Navigating the Shift
Part 3
How to Nurture Connection and Community in New Ways to
Meet the Demands of the Pandemic
To get through this pandemic, we need to do way more than practice mindfulness meditation.
We need an entire new level of respect and a new approach to CONNECTION. To community. This isn’t optional. It’s essential.
My partner came down with COVID-19 in March. The moment the doctor confirmed that it’s probably COVID, was the moment we knew we were on our own (physically). Quarantine is required for anyone who has the virus.
Well, we were physically on our own with the exception of healthcare professionals, of course: the only place we could go was the ER. Literally.
No more food stores. I couldn’t even go inside the ER to use the restroom while my partner was in there getting treatment.
Very quickly, we became heavily reliant on our friends to support us in picking up and delivering supplies and food.
Every single friend who delivered us food and supplies gave us a special treat with their delivery. A bouquet of flowers here (Samson!). A chocolate peanut butter treat there (Amber and David!). Green soup (they know me so well, Sarah and Jenny!) A humidifier (Samson, you’re a rock star!) Even a nebulizer and homemade bone broth… and a video with instructions on how to use it (talk about heart).
BIG shout out to Sarah for the toilet paper. That’s a hot commodity right now, and she so generously gave us her stash.
HUGE shout out to Jenny. I don’t own a car, and knew that any minute, I’d need to drive my partner to the ER. She so generously lended us her spare car to support us during the crisis.
That car saved my partner’s life. We used it twice to go to the hospital.
Our family and friends saved my partner’s life, and helped us keep going while we were treating symptoms around the clock. Words cannot describe how grateful we are for all of them. And for all the support we received throughout. Text messages. Phone calls. FaceTime calls.
I may have been applying cold compresses, helping my partner with showers, making meals (and the list goes on…), but getting through this literally took a village. Connection was the threading that kept our quilt intact.
Listen: Supporting my partner with an illness that baffles ALL (including doctors), was terrifying.
The people we trust with our lives - doctors - don’t fully understand what we’re facing right now. And we get to all just sit with that. Every. Single. Day.
Getting through this meant doing WAY more than mindfulness.
I needed interpersonal support during this time more than EVER. I learned FAST how to enlist support and establish supportive connections throughout the crisis period. And if you face illness directly (or not), I believe that you’ll need new conceptions of connection to get you through, too.
Here’s how I did it, and the 3 types of connection I think you should consider cultivating during this pandemic (and beyond).
The 3 Ways to Nurture Community + Connection Today
Connecting with others.
In a time of social distancing, we are now facing the concept of connection in entirely new ways. We’re connecting virtually with our family, friends, coworkers. This interpersonal landscape necessitates a new level of intention and approach. In this section, we’ll discuss:
[Journaling Exercise] Evaluate your Connections (and how you’re showing up in your relationships today)
The power of virtual group connection (and the surprising aspects of this connection that you may not have considered before…)
How to establish boundaries (so that your energy doesn’t get depleted, especially if you’re caring for an ill family member, lover, friend or patient).
Connecting with a Greater Force
Releases in Navigating the Shift, Part 4
Whether you believe in a God, higher power, or hold no spiritual belief system in high regard, you can cultivate a relationship with a truth or entity that is greater than you, as a means of gleaning support through challenging times. Mindfulness meditation provides us with a portal to access a Greater Force or Higher Power. The present moment can provide us with much relief, and is far greater than any single human being. Practicing mindfulness can bring us into close proximity with this type of connection and support system, and allows our ‘higher self’ and insight/truth to arise within us.
Connection with your Ill Partner or Loved One
Releases in Navigating the Shift, Part 4
I am so grateful that I was able to support my partner and help him get back to health. We were only together for 6 months when he fell ill with COVID-19, so, as you can imagine, stepping into this new, intense dynamic required us to pivot, to become vulnerability in new ways, It required me to commit in a whole new way, surrender, step into the role of nurse and caregiver (not just partner) and act with very high intention.
In this section, I dive into…
Accepting our new dynamic, without resistance.
What it means to “Know Your Role” and how to apply that in intimate partnership (or other roles).
How mindfulness meditation helped me cultivate enduring patience, love and compassion so that I could serve my partner from my highest self in the ways that he deserved to be supported.
Connection with Others
Social distancing vs. Physical distancing
This comparison has arisen throughout this pandemic, and is one worth considering when we talk about connection. While you’re being asked to physically distance in order to “Flatten the Curve”, this does not mean that you should socially isolate and disconnect from the people in your life (or making new connections).
Now more than ever….
We need to stay connected (with new levels of intention + strategy).
Tip #1:
Enlist support and establish those connections throughout your time of social distancing (not just when you’re in trouble or ill).
While my partner was ill, my people were ready to support us and available to support us emotionally and logistically. We are beyond blessed.
My siblings! My sister Chloe and my brother-in-law Ben were on Facetime with me a few times per day during the hardest times (and while my partner was in the hospital). I got to be seen and laugh a little with them, and that brought me so much relief. And my Sisters text thread and video chats!! Clo and Sky helped bring light to me during the dark times.
My brother Monte and sister-in-law Angelina were there for me BIG time. Monte was there for me moment by moment as I got information about my partner’s progress (and he was advocating for us to make sure my partner was getting the care he needed). He also helped me BIG time with mindset, giving me context around this virus and helping bring down my anxiety and manage my expectations. When you’re interfacing all day long with nurses and doctors who are steeped in anxiety (which, of course they are! They’re surrounded by the worst cases of COVID at the ER), it’s INVALUABLE to receive level-headed, calm reassurance. Outcomes were completely unknown, but being able to relax into the moment and stick to the facts made all the difference. I’m beyond grateful for his support during the hardest time of the crisis…
Mom and Dad were in touch daily, checking in on me, holding space for me. I could feel their support from afar, and am so grateful for their presence with me during this time.
And my brother Avery and my sister-in-law Janet! I felt their heart and attention during this time. I couldn’t help but cry when I was catching up with my family, and crying with Janet brought me so much relief and connection in a moment when I was physically alone and at the end of my road. To have that heart connection with her…. it’s hard to express in words what she means to me.
And my Aunt Sally! She’s so well versed in issues of health and nutrition, and she helped steer me in a supplement regimen that I honestly believe helped me nip my symptoms in the bud and steer me back to health (within 5 days of expressing symptoms). SO grateful for her perspective and generous information.
I have some powerful relationships in my life. Part of it is: I lucked out. Another part of this is: I’ve put a lot of energy and heart into building strong relationships with family and friends.
These relationships didn’t developed over night, nor did they launch the moment I was in crisis mode. I’d been cultivating strong relationships with family members, friends and peers for months and years.
And, to be clear, being a great friend or family member is not my native inclination. I haven’t always been the poster child of connection in my life. I was kind of an asshole from the age of 17 to 26.
In addiction recovery, I learned that connection and strong, authentic relationships were vital to living a sober life in recovery. As a sober person today who’s done the work of personal development, I’ve uncovered just how important people and relationships are. In fact, I believe our connections, our relationships, are more important than anything else. More important than our career, or our material things, our habits and rituals. Nothing else matters if we’re not sharing life with our meaningful human beings and supporting them.
So, a few years ago, I had really evaluate how I was showing up in my relationships, and I had to learn how to have healthy, supportive relationships (for the first time in my life). And guess what: I had to practice in the field!
The myth that you need to work on yourself in a bubble and then emerge out in the world freshly baked and ready to be a stellar human being — well, that shit doesn’t exist. You’ve got to get messy, get started and heal in relationship. Period.
I invite you to consider…
How’s the quality of your relationships at this time of your life?
Let’s go through an evaluation below.
Note: If you have strained relationships, distant relationships, or even strong relationships, mindfulness can support us in cultivating a quality of kindness, compassion, love and forgiveness to create space for us to strengthen these relationships (or to start by taking interest in strengthening these relationships).
Be kind to yourself. Remember that you’re doing the best you can. Having a million epic friends is definitely not the point of this tip, nor is it reality. I’m just inviting you to consider your current relationships, and see where there’s space for you to expand your reach, or develop deeper connections with the people who are already in your life.
Connection Evaluation
JOURNALING PROMPT
Grab a journal! Grab a seat. Please complete the following statements and prompts in your journal. I invite you to consider the quality of your connections at this time of your life, and how you’re showing up interpersonally.
In my opinion, a supportive friend has these qualities…
In my opinion, a supportive family member has these qualities…
In my opinion, a supportive partner or lover has these qualities…
In my opinion, a supportive colleague has these qualities…
The friends or people in my life with whom I haven’t been in much contact with for the last few weeks, months or years include… and the reasons why we’ve become distant include…[Note that this list does not need to be exhaustive. Choose 3 people to hone in on for this exercise.]
My relationship with my family can be described in this way…
The support groups, professional development groups, and common interest groups where I have supportive community and acquaintances include…..
Being a part of these groups provides me with….
When I think of the type of family member I am, I would describe myself in this way…
When I think of the type of friend that I am, I would describe myself in this way…
When I think of the type of partner or lover that I am, I would describe myself in this way…
When I think of the type of professional colleague that I am, I would describe myself in this way…
My 3 most meaningful relationships include… and are so important to me because ….
The 3 relationships I want to nurture and strengthen in my life include… because…
Tip #2:
Join the virtual group revolution.
Support groups. Group coaching communities. Meet Ups. Yoga classes. Meditation groups. Spiritual groups. Literally everyone and their mother has taken to Zoom to carry on business as usual, and to CONNECT.
Why attend groups?
Micro Processing Opportunity: This provides you with space to speak your truth on a regular basis. Putting your story, your authentic experience, into words is cathartic, clarifying and can help you feel connected with others (especially during this time of collective uncertainty and strain). It’s a way to process what’s going on in community, over time, without letting it get bottled up or pushed down.
Subtle Service: This is a way for you to be of service to others. When you are a part of a container of support or connection, you’re not just helping yourself. Other people benefit from hearing your story and seeing their story in yours. Acknowledging the commonalities in our experiences (while holding the truth that we’re all different and lead different lives with different circumstances), is a healing encounter.
Opportunity to Learn: When you’re stuck in the same environment every single day, with less of the activities and novelty that you used to encounter (and maybe took for granted!), being a part of continued learning groups can be a huge catalyst for growth, creativity, innovation and keeping the fire in your soul stoked. You don’t need to even pay for this. Create a book club with 1 or 2 other people, and BOOM, you’ve got yourself a continued learning dynamic in the works.
And here’s a bonus reason why virtual groups are more important now than ever before.
With days that blur from one to the next, you need new anchors of stability. You need to create grounding for yourself.
That’s where virtual groups come in handy.
I attend a donation based yoga class with my partner every single morning now at 8:30am-9:30am. I’ve never had that ritual before, and now I do, thanks to this pandemic and the emergence of this new resource! This new ritual has now helped me revitalize my yoga practice, while also bringing me and my partner closer together.
Not only that, but it is a consistent part of days and weekly schedule: something I can count on, and something that adds structure to my life.
A Note On Privilege
I acknowledge that being a part of virtual spaces requires technology, internet and resources. It’s, no doubt, a privileged way to connect.
We do not all have access to these resources. If you are in this position, consider these ways of connecting in intentional ways with the people you share space with in your home (if you have roommates, family members or loved ones you’re sharing space with).
Start a book or reading club with them, using reading materials in your home. Meet once a week together at an agreed upon time!
Create a space everyday where you each reflect on what you’re grateful for, or what you’re looking forward to in life.
Share stories and memories from past holidays, gatherings and milestones in your lives. Go through picture albums and year books together.
Coming together with intention can take on so many flavors. I encourage you to find the flavor that works for you, and commit to being in community during these times.
Take the “Elevated Connection Challenge”: It’s time to commit.
Find at least ONE virtual group to explore (free, donation-based or at cost, depending on your financial abilities during this time). Let your heart help you with choosing, or your 2020 goals. Want a yoga practice? Want a meditation practice? Those could be indicators of where to go.
Commit to attending 3 sessions before making a decision to continue or bail.
Add it to the calendar, and show up. You’ve got this.
Need some inspo for some groups to explore? Below some of my favorites for you to consider!
My go-to communities during this time (and beyond)
These are brands and communities I trust and love!
Unified Mindfulness
As a student of Shinzen Young for over a decade, I can honestly say my life has changed wholly and in profound ways because of his system of mindfulness. Unified Mindfulness, founded by his longtime student and exceptional meditation teacher Julianna Ray, offers a secular, research-informed approach to practicing mindfulness meditation and techniques to ultimately allow you to experience pain without suffering, and to tap into happiness beyond conditions.
Unified Mindfulness is hosting THE virtual meditation retreat of 2020. Hands down. And, it’s completely free. 12 hours of meditation available to you every. single. day.
It’s called IMMERSION!
When: May 13-17th, 2020
Who: AWESOME speakers. Shinzen Young. JP Sears. Raghu Markus of Ram Dass’ nonprofit! The list goes on. Epic lineup. (And, I’m leading a panel on Saturday, May 16th @ 4pm PST/7pm EST - info down below!)
Cost: Free to attend
Commune.
I LOVE what Commune provides people (especially during these times) and what they represent in the larger personal development movement. Commune is a learning platform and community space for all things wellness, mindfulness, yoga, nutrition, interpersonal development, sustainability and social impact. I truly believe in personal development AND impact (the interpersonal side!), and they are leading the way in that conversation and movement, no doubt. Join their list so that you can hop into the courses as they launch them! You can literally take their new courses for free when they first launch them. Also, right now, they’re offering a 14 day free membership trial to access their entire library.
There’s lots of course platforms to try out right now, but THIS one. This one is worth your time.
Tip #3:
Commit to developing connections, but establish and honor boundaries to protect your energy.
Because GUESS WHAT? You are incredible. And generous with your time and heart. But you’re not invincible.
A lot of people may want to connect with you. All. Day. Long. All. Night. Long.
We’re all home now, some of us unemployed or under employed, and we’ve got time on our hands. Not only that, but we also have lost most of the distractions we once filled our time with (going out, seeing movies, eating out, bars, night clubs, book stores, the list is infinite in a capitalistic society).
You need to connect during this time, but you also need to manage your energy….
… Or else you’ll burn out, lose sight of your priorities, fall into the well of other people’s agendas, and ultimately tarnish your relationship with yourself and your own needs).
Know how much output you’ve got in you, and where you need to allocate that output.
If you are sick or caring for someone who is sick…
This tip on boundaries isn’t a suggestion. I am URGING you to establish boundaries for yourself, determine who you absolutely need to be in contact with, and who you do not have the space to hold in close proximity during this time. This is imperative.
Remember: Not everyone can support you during a crisis. A special few can hold space for you. Identify who those people are, and allow them in.
Boundaries
What are they? And how do I successfully define and implement them in my life?
Boundaries: This is a line that you draw to indicate what’s acceptable, and what is not acceptable in your life, relationships, etc.
Here’s how to successfully implement boundaries in your life.
Define the boundary
Get clear on what your boundaries are. You may need to experiment with setting them, in order to figure out what feels most aligned for you. You can adjust them; they’re not set in stone. A boundary can be identified based on how your needs can be met by other people, in this instance. Do you have friends who drain you, and who you need extra space from during this time in order to keep your sanity and serenity? That’s one of many parameters for identifying a boundary. An example of a boundary is:
“I can only speak to my friend Tom once a week, and I really just need to keep it to surface level life updates.”
Communicate Your Boundary (or not)
In some cases, you’ll want to communicate your boundary to someone else directly, if it impacts them or if it indicates a shift in your current dynamic. If you have a friend who’s draining you and who you want space from, and you’ve been in touch with them daily, multiple times a day, well then you may want to communicate to them that you’re in need of a change in the relationship, and explain what that will need to look like. This can be a dialogue. If they’re not okay with the change, your boundary might end the relationship (brings us to the next point).
When implementing boundaries, let go of the outcome.
All you have control over is your boundary and the terms. You cannot control how other people respond to your boundary. Part of setting boundaries is letting go of what happens next.
Some people will attempt to step over your boundary and disregard it.
Some people may not want to engage in your continued relationship on those terms.
Some people will be supportive of your boundary and will comply with it on the terms you described.
Maintain your boundary
No matter how someone responds to your boundary, it’s your job to respect the boundary (not theirs). Knowing this, you have an opportunity to hold your boundary in place and take measures that keep you safe and support your terms.
For example, if someone attempts to step over your boundary, you can:
Reiterate the boundary to them using direct communication.
Activate the consequences of their actions. This might mean cutting off contact from them altogether. This might mean blocking them from contacting you.
In the context of setting boundaries with social situations, here is an example scenario to consider:
Your friend wants to Facetime tonight for 2 hours, because she’s available and wants to hang out with you! She misses you!
You WANT to connect with her, but you’ve been working 10 hour days from home, you haven’t eaten a single meal yet today, and what you really need tonight is a bath, some silence, and an hour of time with your boo in front of Netflix.
You schedule time blocks in your weekly schedule for connecting with friends, in order to accommodate you life and the priorities that matter most right now. This allows you to manage your energy and not fall into the agendas of others constantly (at your own expense).
You let your friend know that you love her and miss her, but that you’re free tomorrow night from 8pm-9pm (not tonight). See if she’s available at that time to connect.
See? Boundaries don’t need to be this icky, shitty thing we do to keep people away.
You can enact boundaries in a loving, generous and clear way. The loving piece: you’re loving to your friend, and also to YOURSELF. DOUBLE WIN!
HOMEWORK:
1.
Enlist support:
Complete the Connection Evaluation.
Identify 3-5 people whose relationships you’re committed to nurturing and strengthening. Journal about how you want to show up for them during this time, and how you specifically plan to support them and be the friend, lover, family member or peer you know they deserve.
Required Time: Minimum 20-30 minutes
2.
Join the Virtual Group Revolution (or create intentional connection activities at home with your loved ones or house mates).
Take the “Elevated Connection Challenge"
Post a photo of yourself in your group setting, rocking out with your new friends, acquaintances, peers as you learn, connect, support each other. Post it to socials and tag me! I’ll feature you in my Facebook and Instagram story. (Please get consent before taking a screenshot! :)
Required time:Minimum 5-20 minutes for research.
Estimated 1-2 hours per group gathering, per week.
3.
Set and establish those boundaries!
Create one new boundary to support your energy, your priorities, and your relationships!
Email me if you have any questions about how to proceed with this exercise.
Required time: Minimum 10-30 minutes
Yass! You got through Part 3! I’m stoked for the level of intention you’re bringing to your relationships.
Thank you for your full attention and energy in this training! This one’s powerful and can be tough, especially because you might want to cocoon or avoid socializing. As an introvert, I get it. But I encourage you to consider all the benefits of connection, and to open your heart and mind to the possibilities that await you in developing deeper relationships and communal spaces for processing what’s happening during these times.
If you have any questions, feedback, insights arising, or if you’d like my feedback on your journaling process with today’s prompts, please email me at jess@themindfulnest.co!
I’m so happy to support you and answer any questions that come up for you. I’m grateful to be able to hold this container for you, and I honor all that you’re doing and all that is unfolding from you during the Navigating the Shift series.
Know that we heal in community, and we have an opportunity to support people (and create the support systems for ourselves) now more than EVER.
We heal in community.
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